Hibernation
by Mathra
Summary: ‘The good whiskey…’, Sirius said and crawled towards him. He grabbed Remus shoulder with one hand and his chin with the other. He came even closer and then pulled his tongue across Remus right side of his face. SiriusRemus, complete


Title: Hibernation

Author: Mathra

Rating: T

Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling

- -

Hibernation

They were friends. Friends, who lived together. Friends, who knew each other since they were children and friends, who sometimes slept with each other.

That was the easiest way of describing it. Although, he would never describe their situation to anybody. This was something between him and Sirius. Nobody knew about it. Why should they? They didn't keep it a secret, but not even James had the slightest clue.

Sometimes he wanted to shout it into the world, that everybody would hear it, but then he made himself a cup of tea, laid down on his bed, put his blanket over his head and became a hedgehog, invulnerable in his cave. Once, Sirius appeared at such a moment in his room, drunk and staggering from an evening in the pub, searching for something not even Remus knew what it was. Sirius had laughed at him, how he had laid there, curled on his bed in his imaginary armour, until Remus had hissed at him like a cornered wildcat and Sirius had stumbled out of the room empty-handed. They had not spoken the next day.

Otherwise it was a really practical solution. Remus only paid a split of the rent and tried to take care of the household. In the beginning, it had seemed like a good solution. In the meantime he had doubts about it.

While Remus tried to bring up at least his split of the rent by occasional jobs, Sirius laid on their scuffed sofa the whole day and got drunk in the pubs, waiting for the order's newest mission. Sometimes he brought a girl home and Remus could hear them the whole night. That's when he drove out his quills and tried to fall into deep hibernation.

- -

The first time they had slept together – it sounded so clinically Remus thought – was right after they had moved in. Long after James, Lily and Peter had left more swaying than walking, they were emptying the remaining bottles, when suddenly Sirius stumbled and poured the left-over fire whiskey all over Remus, who was crouching on the ground trying to count all the crinkles in his left thumb. He jerked as the liquor soaked through his shirt and dropped from the tips of his hair, ran over his face and down his throat.

Sirius dropped on his knees and grinned at him.

'You're all wet.' He stroked Remus wet hair from his face.

Remus looked down at the dark stain that spread over his chest. Sirius also starred on his chest, then he glanced up right at a point right under Remus eyes.

'The good whiskey…', Sirius said and crawled towards him. He grabbed Remus shoulder with one hand and his chin with the other. He came even closer and pulled his tongue across Remus right side of his face.

Remus opened his mouth to protest but no sound escaped him. Sirius face curled up into a grin.

'So much better than from the bottle…', he murmured while he turned Remus face to the other side and pulled his tongue over it, too.

Remus closed his eyes because everything was spinning. The wetness in his face didn't disappear but worked its way from his cheek to his forehead and finally back to his chin.

'Mh…', he heard somebody say.

Some warm moisture glided from his chin down his neck, a hand grabbed his hair and his head was pulled back. The cool alcohol, that had just bathed his throat, was transformed into something hot and living by the warm moisture.

A hand moved awkwardly under his shirt, higher an higher until it touched his nipple. Remus gasped for breath, like a drowning man, he opened his eyes and looked around wildly. He couldn't focus his view, at the edges colours blurred and outlines dissolved.

Before he could react, the wet and living something pressed itself into his mouth and demanded entrance. Like in a deadly battle it tried to push forward with all its might, while he was desperately trying keep his mouth shut, like floodgates against a storm tide. But the storm was stronger and bit by bit his line of defence broke. With a victorious snort Sirius tongue penetrated his mouth. He squeezed both of them to the ground until he laid on top of Remus, his hand still in his hair, the other one under his shirt.

Their tongues fought against each other, closely entangled, a kind of mortal struggle, which the one would loose, who first caved in. The remains of their bodies followed and they rolled around the ground without paying attention to the bottles they knocked over and the glasses they were breaking.

Every sense and sanity was gone, there was only this moment, Sirius tongue in his mouth, Sirius hand in his hair, Sirius body on his, the pressure becoming greater and greater.

As fast as it had started it did end. Remus laid on the ground, panting, his eyes still closed, Sirius arm still on his chest.

They laid like this together, but at the same time they could have lived in two different time zones. Remus never wanted to move again, he wanted to forget everything that just had happened, completely delete it from his memory.

So, he stayed where he was. He stayed while Sirius stirred next to him. He stayed while Sirius slowly stood up and groaned. And he stayed after Sirius had scuffled out of the room and the door had closed. Later, he could never exactly tell anyone how long he had laid on the ground that night, but when he had his limbs under control again, had opened his eyes and looked around uncertainly, the sky was already blood-red waiting for the sun.

Slowly he sat up and noticed the chaos they both had created, strangely enough he didn't care for any of the mess they had made. He crawled under the shower and let the hot stream patter on his back until he got the feeling to be alive again, then he hauled himself into his bed and buried himself in his cave.

He didn't see Sirius the next two days, and when he came into the kitchen on the third morning Sirius sat on his seat as if nothing had happened. The clumsy behaviour and cramped manners around each other were the only signs that the whole thing had not been a fleeting fantasy.

They didn't talk about what had happened. Again, after the next times they crept back into their rooms, under the shower and kept out of each others way. Whenever they met the others they behaved as normal as ever. Nobody suspected anything.

They were friends. Friends, who lived together. Friends, who knew each other since they were children and friends, who sometimes slept with each other.

- -

In the beginning, Remus didn't recognize it. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something had changed. He couldn't say it definitely. Maybe it was the way of nestling to Sirius after they had finished. Or the way of asking himself what it would be like to kiss Sirius, properly kissing him, slowly, lazily and sluggishly, not rushed and high in search of quick salvation.

Sirius still brought home girls. Sometimes he came into Remus bed like a rueful dog after he had sent them away, stinking of cheap perfume and sex. That were the worst nights. Even when Sirius had returned to his room for a long time he could still smell it.

One morning, he woke up and asked himself horror-stricken if it was love. But he could calm himself. Of course he loved Sirius. He also loved his parents, James and Peter, and Harry and Lily.

Two weeks later he had to admit to himself that he did not love Sirius in the same way he loved his parents, James and Peter, and Harry and Lily. Dismayed he postponed the thought.

Only when the four of them were sitting in a pub, everyone happy with his beer, everyone but Sirius, who turned his head towards the blonde at the bar and smirked at her. That was when he saw daylight, when he recognized why his stomach had felt as if an abscess was rampant in there. Afterwards he snarled at Peter, left early, went home, laid down in his cave and drove out his quills.

- -

The future made him uncertain. He was aware that it wouldn't always be like this. Sirius would get know somebody, somebody who wouldn't stay for one night only, somebody with whom he could talk and laugh. This was only a transient situation, it would end sooner as it had started.

He began to register and save every of Sirius touches, to memorise Sirius' body like a map, his valleys, hills and plains. He was an explorer of this body, a discoverer and pioneer.

When the day came and Sirius brought along Marleen, Remus knew it was her he had waited for. He was reading in his room when they came tripping and laughing through the hall. It was the laughter that pricked up his ear. She didn't giggle, she laughed. She laughed with force, without reserve and when Sirius joined her, he knew he had lost what never was his to begin with.

He knew, before he even saw her, that she would be beautiful. All the more, he was surprised when he saw her sitting at the kitchen table the next morning (She had stayed over night). She wasn't the goddess he had imagined her to be. She had an ordinary face, black curls framed her common face, but it were her eyes that turned her into something special. They were dark and seemed to lead their own life, the way they jumped, lightened and sparkled.

She and Sirius ate the last toast and Sirius didn't even look up when Remus came in.

The problem with Marleen was, that it enormously difficult _not_ to like her. She was charming and funny, quick and inspiring. He could see, what Sirius saw in her. That made the situation even more difficult. The sounds at night were changing, the loud groaning turned into soft moaning, he imagined to hear them kissing.

Then, one day, Marleen was gone. She left as soon as she had come and Sirius didn't talk about her anymore. Instead, it knocked on Remus door at night and Sirius came in, looking at him questioning. He was surprised, Sirius had never knocked before, let alone waited for his allowance. He lifted his blanket and let him in.

He thought something had changed. He thought Sirius loved his embrace as much as he did. He thought Sirius had left her for him, but he already brought another girl home the next evening.

- -

The intervals between Sirius missions became shorter and shorter, he was at home less and less.

Remus took a job at a Muggle place, he didn't earn much, nut at least it was a regular income.

One evening he came home and Sirius was already there, it looked as if he had just come back from a mission. He sat on the sofa, his head in his heads and a bottle of alcohol in front of him, almost emptied.

He looked up at the sound of Remus steps. Remus remained in the door frame and simply looked at him. Something was strange. Remus watched him closely while Sirius was still starring at him.

'What…', before he could finish Sirius had jumped up and pressed him against the wall. He began to hectically open Remus belt. Remus was tempted to let him, but something wasn't right. Sirius eyes were reddened, his breath stank of alcohol and something else. He tried to push Sirius away, but he became more and more brutal and forced him with his whole body against the wall. With supreme effort he pushed him aside. Sirius staggered backwards and fell to the ground. He wanted to get back on his feet, but Remus was faster and threw himself onto Sirius to hold him on the ground. Sirius reared against him and almost threw him off. Suddenly something roared inside of him and he stroke out and hit Sirius with his fist in his face. It was incredibly painful. And it was incredibly good.

'I'm not your bloody toy!', he screamed and shook Sirius, whose head flew from one side to the other until he became completely quiet just lying on the ground.

Remus let him go and sank next to him. A small amount of blood dripped from Sirius' corner of the mouth onto the carpet.

'I know.', Sirius whispered.

'Then stop treating me like one!', Remus snarled and looked at the ceiling.

'Regulus is dead…'

'What?' Remus span around and starred at Sirius. He lay absolutely still while single tears were streaming down his face and mingled with the blood on the carpet.

He couldn't think of anything to comfort Sirius. Carefully he wiped the wet traces from his face. Sirius sobbed loudly, flung himself around Remus and pressed himself against his chest. Automatically he returned the embrace. How often had he thought about Sirius needing him as much as he did. But not like this, never like this.

They sat intertwined for a long time, then Sirius lifted his head and wiped his face.

'What happened?', Remus asked.

'We…', Sirius snuffled. 'We had a mission. We were checking a house. We suspected some Death Eaters were inside.' He swallowed. 'There were none, at least none that were alive.'

He grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a mouthful. 'He had been dead for quite a while.', he said with steady voice.

Remus took the bottle from him and drank as well. It was hot and burned his throat.

'He was so stupid!' Sirius said suddenly. 'This fool! How could he mess around with Death Eaters?' He jumped up. 'My mother is behind this, I'm going to…'

'You won't do anything!', Remus interrupted. 'You will be dead before…'

'So what?', Sirius yelled. 'What do you care?'

'I do care!'

'Why?' Sirius looked at him with a merciless look and raised eye brows

Remus didn't answer but simply starred at him.

'Why?', Sirius roared.

'Because I love you!', he roared back.

Sirius fell silent. 'I'm just using you…', he murmured.

For the second time this evening, Remus hit him. Sirius didn't defend himself. 'You mean nothing to me.' Another blow. 'Nothing', Sirius muttered between the second and third blow.

'You're lying…', Remus stammered.

'Just a quick fu…'

'You're lying!', Remus yelled.

'So naïve…', Sirius gasped.

'You're lying…' Remus continued to beat him up.

Somehow Sirius managed to sneer at him and give him a bloody smile. Appalled Remus moved backwards. What had he done? He had left his cave, shed his armour and had been pierced by the hostile lance.

In this moment he saw the flicker in Sirius' eyes.

'I don't believe you!', he said keeping his eyes on him.

'What else am I supposed to do?' Sirius spit blood on the ground. 'This whole thing was doomed right from the beginning. I had to get you sloshed, so you wouldn't fight me…'

'I wanted it as well.'

Sirius bristled with anger. 'I attacked you like an animal…'

'I don't care…'

'Stop defending me!'

'Then stop lying to me.', slowly he crawled towards him.

'Remus…', Sirius tried to creep backwards. 'Remus, no…'

'Say, that you love me!', he came closer and closer.

'How can I love you and at the same time treat you like I've done?' Sirius had reached the wall.

'Do you love me?'

Sirius starred past him and shook his head.

'Look into my eyes!' He lifted Sirius chin and forced him to look at him.

'Do you love me?'

When Sirius whispered his answer, he slumped down. 'Yes…'

For a while nobody said anything. The feeling of triumph he had expected never came.

'Why have you never said anything…', he finally started.

'What was I supposed to say? After it had started like that. You always seemed so clinical and distant…'

'At least I didn't pick up every second girl from the pub.'

Sirius looked like a kicked dog.

'I could hear you, you were so loud.', Remus murmured.

'I know. That was my intention.'

Remus winced.

'And then Marleen came and I thought it would be over. But she left me.', Sirius said without any emotion audible in his voice.

'She left _you_?'

Sirius nodded exhausted. 'She somehow knew it the whole time. She said she couldn't be with me when I would be thinking about the person next-door all the time.' He looked at him expectantly.

'And where do we go from here?' Remus felt tired and drained. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall next to Sirius.

Hesitantly, Sirius took his torn hand and put it in his. Sirius had quills as well, Remus thought. For the first time both of them had dropped them, the hibernation was over, the ice was melting and spring was coming. Without saying a word they sat together.

- -

'When will you be back?', he asked and handed Sirius his jacket.

'You know that I can't talk about it.'

'Can't they take somebody else as their Secret Keeper…?', carefully he tied the scarf around Sirius neck.

'It's for Lily and James. I would do everything for them.'

'I know.', Remus said and smoothed Sirius jacket out.

He embraced Sirius and pressed his face into his neck. He had to force air into his lungs. He felt Sirius shake in his arms.

'Don't get yourself killed.', he said with a broken voice.

'You know me.', Sirius said with a croak.

'That's why I'm saying it.' He tried to grin but had the fear that it looked like a sad clown's grimace, therefore he stopped it.

Sirius managed a wry smile and laid his hand on Remus cheek. They remained in this position for an eternity, then Sirius kissed him on the right corner of his mouth.

'I'll come back when it's all over.' He pressed their foreheads together, turned around and walked out of the door.

- -

The hedgehog hibernated for twelve years until he saw Sirius again.

- -

The End

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